Data supporting my new legislation

SUVs are no safer than cars

Everyone, please remove "it's safer" from your list of poor rationalizations.

Lazy Sunday

I searched and searched this morning, but couldn't find the lyrics. So over breakfast I cranked them out via a lot of pausing via the DVR.

Top 3 piece ever on SNL.

Lazy Sunday, wake up in the late afternoon
Call Parnell just to see how he's doin'
Hello, what up Parn, yo Sanberg, what's crackin'
You thinkin what I'm thinkin? Narnia! Man it's happenin'
But first my hunger pains are stickin' like duct tape
Let's hit up Magnolia and mack on cupcakes
No doubt that bakery's got all the bomb frostings
I love those cupcakes like McAdams loves Gosling (reference to the real last names of the young couple in "The Notebook")

Two, no six, no twelve, baker's dozen.
I told you that I'm crazy for these cupcakes, cousin.
Yo where's the movie playin'? Upper west side, dude.
Well let's hit up Yahoo Maps to find the dopest route.
I prefer Mapquest. That's a good one too.
Google Maps is the best. Tru dat. Double True.
68th and Broadway. Step on it sucka.
What you wanna do Chris? SNACK ATTACK MUTHA FU$$A

The Chronic - What - cles of Narnia
Yes the Chronic - What - cles of Narnia
We love the Chronic - What - cles of Narnia
Pass that Chronic - What - cles of Narnia

Yo stop at the deli - the theater's overpriced.
You got the backpack, gonna pack it up nice.
Don't want security to get suspicious.
Mr. Pibb and Red Vines equals crazy delicious.
Yo reach in my pocket, pull out some dough.
Girl acted like she never seen a ten befoh.
It's all about the Hamiltons baby.
Throw the snacks in the bag, and I'm ghost like Swaze.

Roll up to the theater, ticket buying what we handlin'.
You could call us Aaron Burr from the way we're droppin' Hamiltons.
Parked in our seats, movie trivia's the illest.
What Friends' alum starred in films with Bruce Willis?
We answer so fast that we're scary.
Everyone stared in awe when we scream MATTHEW PERRY!
Now quiet in the theater or it's gonna get tragic.
We about to get takin' to a dream world of magic.

The Chronic - What - cles of Narnia
Yes the Chronic - What - cles of Narnia
We love the Chronic - What - cles of Narnia
Pass that Chronic - What - cles of Narnia

REGULAR ROTATION KEEPS OLD BALLS FRESH

December 12, 2005

GLENWOOD, IA - Game 5 of the 2005-2006 season brought the matchup of Team Old Balls (4-1) against Team 0 & 13 (0-5). It became glaringly obvious within the first 5 minutes of the game, why each team had taken on those identities.

"Well, we are old and get tired really quick.", explained Justin Huisman, small forward for the Old Balls. "So after our game last week we decided that a quick and equal rotation schedule would help us out and would help us avoid any serious cramping or complaining issues. Two or three minutes and then sit no matter if you have a hot hand or not. That's our strategy."

With 9 players on the roster, team Old Balls has one of the deepest benches in the league. The 9-man rotation helps keep the tempo of the game up while allowing 3 to 4 players at a time avoid passing out or collapsing on the court.

"None of us are really that great of players.", explained Matt Portrey. Portrey led the team with 17 points, 8 rebounds and 7 really dirty looks at the refs. "But with our new strategy, we are able to keep 5 average players fresh at the same time. If our average players were tired...we'd be screwed."

On the other hand 0 & 13 have their sights set on just that.

"We pretty much suck.", said team captain Jim "The Anvil" Neihardt. "The only two guys on our team that are any good are pretty easy for the defense to play. Our point guard is fast and strong, but he never passes and always goes baseline. I think he leads the league in offensive fouls. Then, our center is about 6'4", but none of us know how to throw an entry pass. He hates us."

When asked about the possibility of setting the new league record for losses, "The Anvil" said, "We're kind of like the '72 Dolphins and the Colts this year...except the exact opposite. Nobody remembers or cares who won this league 2 or 3 years ago. But if we can lose every game (badly) this entire season, we can be the laughing stock of this league for years to come. That's something that few can acheive."

Here are a few highlights of the otherwise boring game:
-Chad Beardmore's assortment of cross-overs and floating one-handed jumpers...too bad none of them went in.
-Clay Lincoln actually made a 3 pointer...maybe even two.
-Jim Hanson firing threes and highlight reel passes...while the team was trying to kill the clock towards the end of the game.
-Rob Schoening...did NOT block a pass or shot with his head.
-Chuck Smith releasing for an outlet pass...and forming a perfect hoop for the outlet pass to sail through.
-Bob Mills taking his 2nd 3-point shot of the season...and hitting the side of the backboard.

A true test faces the Old Balls next Sunday as they have a double-header scheduled at 5pm and 8pm. In the first game, the Old Balls will encounter last year's league champions. The People's Champs, led by Jason "He doesn't realize he's over 30" Jackson are once again undefeated on the season.

"I'm pretty sure that we have shot at knocking them off.", said Beardmore. "I just have to make sure that I slash all four of Jackson's tires and not just two."

In game two the Old Balls meet their first opponent of the season Team Nursery. In the first meeting between the two teams, defenses were outstanding. Bob Mills hit an 8-foot jumper as time expired to win the game. A game that did not include 2 inside players. Jim and Heath Holmes were absent for undisclosed reasons in game one for The Nursery. The father-son duo each stand 6'3" and weigh over 225 lbs. each.

"We've added Rob and Eddie so we should be about equal in our inside games.", said team manager, and step-son of Chad Beardmore, Alex Nusser. "Eddie still wasn't happy with his contract last game so I had to sit him out. He should be ready to go next week." Nusser added, "If Beardmore doesn't step up. I'm leaving him at home for the rest of the season."

OLD BALLS BOUNCE BACK - FIND OUTSIDE THREAT

December 4, 2005

Glenwood, IA - A week off is exactly what the Old Balls needed. After suffering their first loss of the season, 54-49 to Gang Green, the Old Balls used their bye week to rest, recharge and prepare for their battle against their rival, the Young Balls.

"They reminded us a lot of ourselves out there.", said Clay Lincoln. "They were kind of out of control, fouled a lot and complained to the refs, just like us...but a lot younger. They played hard though."

The Young Balls matched shots with the Old Balls for the first few minutes of the game, but then Matt Portrey gave the Old Balls a lead they would not lose for the rest of the game.

"Portrey was awesome tonight.", said Chuck Smith. "He came out firing just like he always does...but this time he made them! It was a great thing for us to see."

Portrey started with a flurry of shots, making floating jumpers, powerful moves to the basket and from behind the arc.

"I haven't lifted weights for like two weeks, so I'm not shooting the ball as far." said Portrey of his re-found touch. "Another thing, I got really drunk this weekend, so I was playing at a much slower pace than usual. I think it confused everybody. Plus nobody would guard me since I looked like I was going to puke the whole time."

The Old Balls were especially strong on the defensive end of the court, recording 54 steals. The team's defensive strategy worked out well.

"What we did was leave the entire left side of the court open for the Young Balls point guard, and overloded the court on his right hand.", explained Chad Beardmore. "He played right into it, with cross-overs and spins that ultimately lead to him dribbling into a double or triple-team in the corner on the right side. Now I know what it feels like to guard me since I have no left either. It's really easy."

Justin Huisman led the team with 38 rebounds on the night, 34 of them offensive. What was more impressive is that 27 of those offensive rebounds were off of his own missed shots.

"I can make lay-ups and 4 footers all day.", said Huisman of his rebounding prowess. "This just makes it a little more fun and challenging for me. Plus if I lead the league in rebounds there is a huge incentive payment at the end of the season. I have to pad the stats in any way that I can."

Sunday's game also featured the debut of two big men for the Old Balls. Rob Schoening and Eddie (don't know what his last name is) both contributed well to the Old Balls victory.

"I think they blend very well with us. Plus it's nice to have a couple of big guys in the lane so when I get beat off the dribble they are there to save me.", said Smith.

"I just like that I can throw the ball anywhere that might usually be a turnover and they are tall enough to catch it and make it look like I meant to do it.", added Beardmore.

The highlight of the night came in the last few minutes. With the game well in hand, Old Balls had the ball on offense. Bob Mills was trailing the play because he was really tired and slower than everyone else on the court. As he crossed mid-court Portrey accidentally passed him the ball.

"I thought it was Jim or Clay.", said Portrey. "You know...somebody that should have the ball that far away from the basket."

Mills already had 18 points on the night and wanted to break the 20 point mark.

"I got the ball and lined up to launch a 3.", explained Mills who is shooting 100% on the season from behind the arc. "I would have made it anyway. It's not my fault that I tripped and sneezed right when I shot it. Either way...it was going in. I just wished I would have seen it."

Monday morning QB

My man Bob Kravitz of the Indy Star has finally joined the throng of fans believing in an 19-0 season. For some reason, I can't get myself to admit publicly that I'm thinking it as well. Superstition? Probably. Fear of getting burnt by a very good San Diego team or some cold rain and a strong NFC team in Seattle? Probably. Fear of going 16-0 and not capping it with a Super Bowl win? Probably. Fear of injury to one of the triplets? Probably.

But who really is going to beat them?

http://www.indystar.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20051205/COLUMNISTS01/512050402/1100/SPORTS03

Colts v Titans

I officially predict - and you can take this to the bank and cash it - that the RCA Dome will be seriously loud today. Fans love the "piping in the noise" controversy. I'd love to hear the noise the first time McNair stands over center.

38-17 Colts.

More Colts

You know, it occurs to me while I'm reading the days' latest Colts articles that the media can put you in a no win situation. Take the undefeated talk, for instance. Every single question posed to the Colts this week as been around the 16-0 thing. Article after article about it. You know the Colts don't really want to talk about it, but they're doing their job and humouring the reporters. Now, let's say they lose on Sunday to the Titans. How many of the same reporters will then write about how the Colts spent too much time looking ahead to a 16-0 season, and not focusing on the task at hand? It's an interesting game anyway.

Ten and oh

http://www.indystar.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20051121/COLUMNISTS01/511210440/1100/SPORTS03

Had a visitor at work yesterday from our Indianapolis plant. Good guy who I worked closely with for about a year before I moved back to Glenwood. Talking Colts and other Indy news still makes me a little nostalgic. The bastard has tickets to the game Monday night as well.

With that said, I would like to announce that if elected as Mayor, I have a tentative agreement in place to officially name Indianapolis as our sister city. I will work to arrange ticket swaps, where a small block of Colts/Pacer/NCAA/500 tickets are allocated to the Mayors' office for distribution. In return, Glenwood will provide Indianapolis with a small block of Rams/Soccer Club/Mens Rec League tickets.

A TOUGH BLOW TO THE OLD BALLS

November 21, 2005

Glenwood, IA - Coming off of a 50 point blowout of the Hoseheads, two possible scenarios could play out. One scenario would see the Balls on a high and continuing their pounding into the next game. The other scenario would be one where the Balls would deflate and suffer a let down against Gang Green.

The latter of the two was the ill fate of the Old Balls.

"We suck!", exclaimed Justin Huisman. "How the (expletive) do we give up a 10 point lead in the second half? I'm done with this (expletive)...get out of my face!"

The Salvation Army bell-ringer had no response to Huisman's outburst as he exited the liquor store following the team's loss. However the bell-ringer's 8 year old daughter was crying after Huisman took her Candy canes she was selling for charity.

Team Old Balls, sporting their new blue team shirts, got off to a shaky start. The blue Balls kept thinking they were going to score, but every time they tried they got turned away, a painful and frustrating experience.

"I've never seen so many missed bunnies since my dad and I went rabbit hunting after drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels", explained Bob Mills. Mills managed 8 points and 11 rebounds in what turned out to be a worthless effort for the entire team. "I don't know why I wasted my time here tonight, my Colts are 9-0 and I missed one hell of a game. Thank god I have TIVO...Go Colts!"

Down 11-3, the Old Balls received a comforting relief from the warm hands of 6th man, Charles Smith. Smith came in and scored 7 straight points for the Balls.

"I should be starting instead of Beardmore.", explained Smith. "But noooooo, Chad is the team captain so of course his sorry ass has to start every game. Why do you think he started his own team this year?"

The Old Balls battled Gang Green for the entire half, ending up at a halftime tie of 25-25. One major key was stopping Gang Green's key weapon.

"The black guy hasn't dunked on us yet...so we're winning that battle.", said Matt Portrey. Portrey was assigned to guarding Gang Green's most obvious weapon. "He tried to fool us by wearing a blue shirt like us, but we'd still be able to pick him out of a line-up....I don't mean anything by that though, I'm just saying."

The second half started completely opposite of the first half for the Old Balls. The team worked well together, which is a strange concept in basketball. Multiple passes were made, screens were set and butts were smacked...in a congradulatory way, not a gay one.

With a 10 point lead, the Old Balls were working together like they should. Gang Green had to call a time-out and regroup.

"We had to do something to stop the beating we were taking from the Old Balls." said Andrew Dean, captain of Gang Green. Dean had 9 points, 6 assists and the best hairdoo for team Green. "There was only one thing we could do."

"They had 6 friggin' guys on the court!", exclaimed Jim Hanson. "Once they started their press, people were flying all over the place and it was hard to keep track of the number of people there were. But I know I tried stealing the ball from 6 different players on one offensive posession. I hate cheaters...I'm gonna go home and tell my mom."

With a 6 to 5 advantage, Gang Green erased their 10 point deficit and took a 3 point lead.

It was time for Chad Beardmore to step up. Beardmore committed 4 fouls in 27 seconds, setting a new league record. He was able to put Gang Green on the line for a 1-and-1 attempt. Chubbs McTubby, missed the front end giving the ball back to Old Balls. Clay Lincoln went to the basket and was fouled, but was unable to convert. Old Balls had a couple of posessions, but could not find a decent shot. Gang Green went on to win by 3.

"It's like there was a lid on the basket.", explained Lincoln. "Don't get me wrong, I can't make many shots, but the ones that I thought were dead center bounced out. I think it was the little kid here before the game for that birthday party. The had pinatas hanging from the baskets before the game. When we kicked them out they were obviously upset and one little girl even said 'Good luck Mister!'. I think she meant 'Good luck making a shot, because we put clear plastic covers over the rims so you lose you mean, old S.O.B.!' I hate kids...other than my own."
Following the game, the alleged girl was seen getting into the vehicle of one of the Gang Green players and was heard asking, "I did a good job right Daddy?". The girl, team and Glenwood Rec Center are under investigation by the Mills County Gaming Commission for rigging the game.