Ten and oh

http://www.indystar.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20051121/COLUMNISTS01/511210440/1100/SPORTS03

Had a visitor at work yesterday from our Indianapolis plant. Good guy who I worked closely with for about a year before I moved back to Glenwood. Talking Colts and other Indy news still makes me a little nostalgic. The bastard has tickets to the game Monday night as well.

With that said, I would like to announce that if elected as Mayor, I have a tentative agreement in place to officially name Indianapolis as our sister city. I will work to arrange ticket swaps, where a small block of Colts/Pacer/NCAA/500 tickets are allocated to the Mayors' office for distribution. In return, Glenwood will provide Indianapolis with a small block of Rams/Soccer Club/Mens Rec League tickets.

A TOUGH BLOW TO THE OLD BALLS

November 21, 2005

Glenwood, IA - Coming off of a 50 point blowout of the Hoseheads, two possible scenarios could play out. One scenario would see the Balls on a high and continuing their pounding into the next game. The other scenario would be one where the Balls would deflate and suffer a let down against Gang Green.

The latter of the two was the ill fate of the Old Balls.

"We suck!", exclaimed Justin Huisman. "How the (expletive) do we give up a 10 point lead in the second half? I'm done with this (expletive)...get out of my face!"

The Salvation Army bell-ringer had no response to Huisman's outburst as he exited the liquor store following the team's loss. However the bell-ringer's 8 year old daughter was crying after Huisman took her Candy canes she was selling for charity.

Team Old Balls, sporting their new blue team shirts, got off to a shaky start. The blue Balls kept thinking they were going to score, but every time they tried they got turned away, a painful and frustrating experience.

"I've never seen so many missed bunnies since my dad and I went rabbit hunting after drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels", explained Bob Mills. Mills managed 8 points and 11 rebounds in what turned out to be a worthless effort for the entire team. "I don't know why I wasted my time here tonight, my Colts are 9-0 and I missed one hell of a game. Thank god I have TIVO...Go Colts!"

Down 11-3, the Old Balls received a comforting relief from the warm hands of 6th man, Charles Smith. Smith came in and scored 7 straight points for the Balls.

"I should be starting instead of Beardmore.", explained Smith. "But noooooo, Chad is the team captain so of course his sorry ass has to start every game. Why do you think he started his own team this year?"

The Old Balls battled Gang Green for the entire half, ending up at a halftime tie of 25-25. One major key was stopping Gang Green's key weapon.

"The black guy hasn't dunked on us yet...so we're winning that battle.", said Matt Portrey. Portrey was assigned to guarding Gang Green's most obvious weapon. "He tried to fool us by wearing a blue shirt like us, but we'd still be able to pick him out of a line-up....I don't mean anything by that though, I'm just saying."

The second half started completely opposite of the first half for the Old Balls. The team worked well together, which is a strange concept in basketball. Multiple passes were made, screens were set and butts were smacked...in a congradulatory way, not a gay one.

With a 10 point lead, the Old Balls were working together like they should. Gang Green had to call a time-out and regroup.

"We had to do something to stop the beating we were taking from the Old Balls." said Andrew Dean, captain of Gang Green. Dean had 9 points, 6 assists and the best hairdoo for team Green. "There was only one thing we could do."

"They had 6 friggin' guys on the court!", exclaimed Jim Hanson. "Once they started their press, people were flying all over the place and it was hard to keep track of the number of people there were. But I know I tried stealing the ball from 6 different players on one offensive posession. I hate cheaters...I'm gonna go home and tell my mom."

With a 6 to 5 advantage, Gang Green erased their 10 point deficit and took a 3 point lead.

It was time for Chad Beardmore to step up. Beardmore committed 4 fouls in 27 seconds, setting a new league record. He was able to put Gang Green on the line for a 1-and-1 attempt. Chubbs McTubby, missed the front end giving the ball back to Old Balls. Clay Lincoln went to the basket and was fouled, but was unable to convert. Old Balls had a couple of posessions, but could not find a decent shot. Gang Green went on to win by 3.

"It's like there was a lid on the basket.", explained Lincoln. "Don't get me wrong, I can't make many shots, but the ones that I thought were dead center bounced out. I think it was the little kid here before the game for that birthday party. The had pinatas hanging from the baskets before the game. When we kicked them out they were obviously upset and one little girl even said 'Good luck Mister!'. I think she meant 'Good luck making a shot, because we put clear plastic covers over the rims so you lose you mean, old S.O.B.!' I hate kids...other than my own."
Following the game, the alleged girl was seen getting into the vehicle of one of the Gang Green players and was heard asking, "I did a good job right Daddy?". The girl, team and Glenwood Rec Center are under investigation by the Mills County Gaming Commission for rigging the game.

Come on Dems, watch yourself

I've said it for over a year now - the Bush administration did not purposely falsify or mislead the public on intelligence information related to WMD existence in Iraq. Was the information incorrect? Yes. Did they try to spin the information to portray Iraq as the largest threat possible? Of course, that's what you do when you're trying to make a case. But to imply willfull negligance at this point does seem a little opportunistic. The Dems have a perfect scenario right now to try and become the peoples party, and for some reason they've chosen to ramp up the fight about why we went to war. There are much better ways for the party to gain ground while the Republicans are down on the mat.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10078197/

Please help me find an article

Funny, I've looked all over, but cannot find the article where Marvin Harrison is preparing for his post-touchdown celebrations.

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/10072949/

Trying to control the hype

We're just taking it one game at a time.

GANG GREEN TO TEST OLD BALLS
November 16, 2005

Glenwood, IA - Two games into the 2006 OMBA (Old Man Basketball Association) season, the buzz around the Monday morning water cooler is about Old Balls. Team Old Balls is off to their best start in team history, all be it a short history as this is their first year in the league. After rocking the Nursery to sleep 38-37 and smoking the Hoseheads 70-29, Old Balls are swollen with pride.

"We are so pumped up we're ready to burst!", exclaimed Chad Beardmore, head of the Old Balls. "We are hanging with the best of them. I hope we don't drop."

The next challenge in the way for Old Balls is Gang Green. Team Green is only 1-1, but they are a tough group to get rid of.

"I've seen Gang Green a couple of times.", said Matt Portrey, leading scorer...with the ladies...on the Balls Squad. "Every time you think you've gotten rid of Gang Green, they come back stronger than before. Gang Green sticks around for a long time."

Luckily, the Balls are playing well together. Plus they expect to see two key additions to the roster this week. First is Rob Schoening, a 6'3" 240lb. bruiser who averages 13 rebounds, 4 blocks, and 2 knocked out players per game. Schoening has been out with a case of the "Honey-Do's" believed to be given to him by his wife. Second, is an international star only known as "Wingspan". At 6'7", he will be the tallest player on Old Balls and in the league.

"I'm pretty sure that I won't get to play now.", said Bob Mills, current starting center for the Balls. "I'm OK with it as I rather enjoy the feeling of a splintered wood benches rubbing on my ass. It takes me back to my days in Junior High. Plus, I can still contribute to the team. I'll trip opposing players as they run down the sideline. I have really long legs."

The clash between Old Balls and Gang Green begins at 5:00 pm. For tickets, speed past a policeman without wearing your seatbelt.

2007 legislation concerning your greed

Just so you know, after I'm elected Mayor, I will introduce a luxury tax imposed on everyone who drives a SUV. Here's the process: Everyone who owns a SUV will have to spend 5 minutes in a public forum sharing their justification for owning one. I will provided a panel of folks who will take your logic, break it up and put it back together into the shallow reason it really is. You then have to write a check for $100 for every MPG under 30 your vehicle gets on the highway. This process occurs yearly.

Citizens who voted for me will have a generous 2 year grace period to allow for adequate introspection.

My PR Manager is better than your PR Manager

HUISMAN DROPS A DIME, TEAM PICKS UP #2
November 13, 2005

Glenwood, IA - At 6'2" and 245 lbs., the last thing you expect to see out of Justin Huisman is something of grace. However, on Sunday night Huisman had his full arsenal of moves on display, capping off the highlight reel with a behind the back pass assist.

The play occurred in the 4th quarter of Team Old Balls second win of the season, 70-29 over the now 0-2 Hoseheads of the G.V.F.D.. Huisman took the outlet pass and dribbled between 2 defenders. As the ball bounced a bit higher than planned, Huisman spun and whipped the ball around his back not only to avoid a traveling call, but to hit a streaking player under the basket on a fast break.

"I was really starting to trip and fall.", commented Huisman on his spectacular play. "After my spin move, I got dizzy and was going to trip over my own feet. Luckily as I put my hand out to brace for the fall, I hit the ball in the direction of one of my teammates. Evidently it looked like I meant to do it. I mean...I did mean to do it...I got skills!"

The blowout was also the debut of Charles Smith who was inactive for game one due to lack of location management. Smith was ready to play, getting the start, and sporting some fancy neon-blue kicks.

"I signed a deal with Reebok in the pre-season.", said Smith, "The first edition of my shoes, called the 'Two-Step Pivot' were in blue, because that's how teams feel after playing us."

The paper asked Smith to refrain from making any more analogies for the rest of the interview.

For the second straight game, Jim Hanson was a one-man wrecking crew. This time he did the job on defense, notching a league record 73 steals in one game.

"The guy was all over the court tonight.", said Clay Lincoln who managed 26 steals himself. "The only bad thing is that 27 of Hanson's steals were from our team. Every time I tried to bring the ball up the court he'd take it from me and start a fast break. I should've tripped him."

"I'm really fast and can jump really high!", exclaimed Hanson. It was later reported that someone informed him he graduated High School in the late 80's. Arthritis immediately set in on all of Hanson's joints. He is questionable for next weeks game.

Bob Mills, the big center for team Old Balls also contributed to the game. He recorded his first triple double of the season with 14 points, 11 rebounds and 10 gallons of sweat perspirated. Mills also was responsible for many of the cheers for the evening. The cheers were from his wife and 3 children in attendace at the game.

Bobby, the eldest of the Mills children, commented, "My dad is so cool. He's really tall and strong...I bet he could beat up your dad."

Carter, the middle child, commented, "I like that Beardmore guy. He's as old as my dad and I can beat him up. Plus when I run by him and call him a sissy...he flicks sweat on me. He's a funny little guy."

Josah, the youngest and only daughter of Mills shyly said, "We're gonna go get ice cream now."

Mills' wife Heather, was thrilled, "I can't believe it. I didn't know he could jump without breaking something. It was kinda hot seeing him out there like that.....grrrr..."

One of the best potential plays of the evening occurred two times as Chad Beardmore attempted to throw Matt Portrey an alley-oop pass from the top of the key. Beardmore saw Portrey on a back-cut and tossed the ball towards the rim, where Portrey caught it in flight. However he was under the basket, which does not yeild a high percentage shot.

"On the second 'oop I realized that there was no point, because Matt can't dunk it anyway.", said Beardmore. "Maybe next time I'll throw an 'oop to the three point line since Matt shoots better from out there anyway."

Portrey disputed the fact that he 'has no ups', "I can dunk it. I just don't think those rims are regulation or something. I've dunked there before...but nobody was around to see it, but I swear I did." He also went on to comment that Beardmore's game appeared 'sloppy' and his jumper was 'broke' anyway.

Both players have press conferences scheduled with their agents on Monday afternoon. It is expected that both will ask to be traded to other teams so they don't have to play together any longer.

Colts roll on

Not the thumping that most expected, but a good win for the Colts yesterday. They had a short week to prepare, then watched special teams muff two punts that resulted in 10 points for the Texans. Tighten the screws a little this week on special teams, and order is restored.

http://www.indystar.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20051114/SPORTS03/511140437

Some valid points about the negative side of making a run at undefeated:

http://www.indystar.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20051113/COLUMNISTS01/511130476/1100/SPORTS03

Counter point to my man Bony

Check out Bony's latest here:

http://non-bloggingblog.blogspot.com/

I'm feel obligated to offer a counterpoint to the Dick Cheney line that Bony seems to be towing. In all the articles that I've read, I've yet to read one that convincingly states that torturing draws good information effectively from suspects. Former CIA agents, former POWs, etc. almost all state that torturing nets bad intel more often that good intel. Suspects in the end usually will say almost anything just to end the torture.

I'm absolutely for doing what is necessary to save lives. I can see the logic in short term human suffering if it leads to a greater good of the safety of many. But until the folks who are closely tied with strong interrigation methods come out and say in a majority that torturing is an effective means to get good information, I cannot help but think it hurts our leadership position in the world.

Concert thoughts

In no particular order:

• Is the Qwest Center not the best addition to the Omaha area in the last several years? You really do get a big city feel when big events/concerts come to town.
• I risk losing some votes by saying this, however, most women over the age of 40 should not wear belly shirts and/or short skirts. Maybe it's the concert goggles that blur their vision.
• Bon Jovi played for just under 2 1/2 hours. You gotta like that.
• How many times have they played "Living on a Prayer" or "You Give Love a Bad Name"? How do you muster up any excitement at all when singing those songs? They've got to be thinking about other things when they're singing those oldies, like what projects they have coming up, family issues, etc. I can only guess they draw some new energy from the crowd, because they at least act like they're having fun singing the song.

All in all, a great time in a great town.

Party like it's 1987

I'll be shaking hands and kissing babies at the Qwest Center tonight watching one of my favorite old school bands, Bon Jovi. My research team tells me the crowd should be full of my target demo, the 25-35 yr group who wasn't cool enough to like Metallica. My PR Manager has agreed to help me write about the experience afterwords.

http://drycounty.com/tour/2005hand.html

More official campaign news

The official NFL team for the Bob Mills for Mayor Campaign is the Indianapolis Colts. The best place for satisfyingly biased commentary is the Colts section of the Indy Star.

My PR Manager has mad talent

Check out his latest:

SCIENTISTS CONCLUDE: "THINGS MAKE YOU DIE"
November 12, 2005

Tokyo, Japan - A 3-month research into the cause of death in the majority of humans has come to an end. Over $4.23 billion was spent on the project, of which there was only one goal, to figure out why people die. A group of 13 doctors and scientists from around the world were assembled for the study. They took into consideration, ages, regions and habits of 10,000 random deaths from around the world.

"The findings were astonishing.", said Dr. Wee Nee, head of the research group and lead surgeon/chef at the Shangai Veterenary Clinic and Restaurant. "We discovered that even if one avoids negative factors such as smoking, drugs and alcohol...they still have the same chances of dying as one who abuses drugs, drives too fast or jump off of buildings. It's a strange phenomenon that we may never completely understand."

This information will likely come as a relief to some, while it will terrify others. The findings show that even if an individual lives their life on the 'straight and narrow' that they will ultimately end up in a non-living status.

Dr. Nee uses this example, "Compare the lives of rocker Kurt Cobain and Pope John Paul. Cobain abused drugs and alcohol, smoked frequently, listened to and played loud music on a daily basis and had an abusive relationship. On the other end of the spectrum, the Pope lived to what was believe to be a perfect life. He ate well, he was loved by millions, and he was close to the man upstairs. But look now, they are both gone."

Other conclusions made during the research include:

-Eggs will not lead to an immediate death, however over a long period of time eating a large amount of eggs every day will make you smell like them.

-While smoking is 'unhealthy' it is not an immediate cause of death. However at $4 a pack it may cause a large dent in your child's college fund.

-Tomatoes, previously believed to be healthy and extend life, do stain clothing if not consumed properly. Repeated staining, particularly on white shirts, will cause stress and eventual heart failure bringing on death sooner than expected.
-Drinking a small amount of alcohol each day does have some medical benefits. Drinking large amounts each day does make for some good stories.

Proposed legislation

As Mayor, one of the ordinances I plan on proposing to the council is a movement of daylight savings time permantly 2 hours earlier. This will drive daylight to the morning hours, causing darkness to fall around 4pm every night during the fall and winter. A new study out absolutly makes this a necessity:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/9995868/

The hits just keep on coming.

Vicious attacks are out in full force. No doubt the Omaha law firms are bankrolling them:

Bony Smitholz said...
I find the fact that you cave under pressure a bit concerning. If you hope to be the leader of a community, no matter if that community is 50 residents of 500,000 residents, you can't give in to the first threat of legal action or dispute. Your aspiration of mayoral leadership will fall under fire of such pressure on a daily basis. Act because you have a pair...not as if you had a pair.

Important news

As a potential leader in our community, I feel it is important to keep updated on this story:

http://lonewacko.com/blog/archives/004257.html

The establishment has announced its presence

As you've probably noticed, the extremely popular column I posted from my PR manager Chad Beardmore was unceremoniously ripped off the boards earlier today. I was forced to remove his portion of the post when I was threatened with legal action by one of the draconian law firms in Omaha. Trust me, I'm looking out for the folks, and will not tolerate being pushed around in this manner.

My campaign staff is starting to come together

I'd like to announce that Chad Beardmore has agreed to come on board as my PR manager. His wit and style, as shown in the below example of his recent Onion submission, will be a valuable addition to a strong team.

Onion Submission removed pending legal action.

Candidacy announcement

I am officially announcing my candidacy for Mayor of Glenwood.